So I'm mostly on Facebook now. If you're not catching me over there add me (Danielle Russi).

Anyway I thought I'd make a little update since it's been so long.

Wednesday I took a half day and had lunch with my mom which was really nice. We ate downtown at a place I haven't been before and it was nice to have some one on one time with her. I can't remember the last time I had time with just her (no other sisters, significant others or E). After that I went home and just hung out.

Thursday was a short day at work and then I had E that night.

Friday no work and had E all day which was nice. Then I got my haircut and the woman (someone new) did a horrible job. Blee. It's just hair. It'll grow back.

Saturday I hung out at home most of the day and then took pizza and firecrackers to J's. E had fun with the "Pop-It's". Didn't care much for the sparking and noise of firecrackers. Thank goodness we didn't bother to take him to a fireworkers display. J and I got to put him to bed together which took a little longer than normal but E insisted. Then J and I watched TV for a while and I went home.

Sunday I lounged the morning away then met my former mother-in-law for lunch and a play. I went back to her place (which I had not intended to do but my other plans feel threw and I didn't have another back up). We watched a movie and ate pizza. My ex and his wife brought over their son to stay the night and that was my que to head home. It was nice to see them all, but I worry that my continued friendship with my former m-i-l makes things weird for them.

Back at work today....tired.

I had a pretty good weekend. Lots of pure laziness. I've got my boy tonight. Looking forward to hanging out with him. I miss him when he's at daddy's.

That's about all that's happening in my world. No real updates. I'm happy. real happy. Enjoying just being me when I'm alone and being me with my boy when he's there. Not interested in adding anyone else to the scene. Someday maybe, but not any time soon.

Life is good.

Saturday morning E and I went to My Gym and he had a great time. He was so outgoing and played on just about all the equipment they had to offer. He wasn't in to the group activities or really socializing with the other kids, but at least he wasn't super glued to my leg. The ball pit seemed to be his favorite thing, the trampoline was a close second and once they brought out the ride on train he was in heaven. Awesome awesome time. After that we went home, had some lunch and got ready to go to my cousin Marty's wedding. As much as I love my cousin and my family in general I was not looking forward to the wedding. Outdoors, late evening, and when it's over 100 degrees out did not sound like a good time (not to mention E would only get an hour nap in the car on the way there and we'd have to be there until at least 8pm). But we loaded up and drove out to Plymouth. Google maps sent me slightly in the wrong direction and I had begun to worry I wasn't going to make it after all, but after a stop in a local gas station for directions we were headed in the right direction. We finally arrived at the winery that we were to catch the shuttle at and thankfully my dad was there waiting for the shuttle too. The shuttle couldn't hold everyone that was waiting and it took at least 15 minutes to get down the long dirt path to the site so one of the attendants took E and I along with my dad and two other party goers in his car. What a ride. Scary. Especially because E was on my lap. Please note I would not normally do this, E is always properly restrained when we ride in a vehicle but it was a private road and we knew no one else would be coming up or down the road and I was not allowed to take my own vehicle with the carseat in it. So we got there and it was beautiful. A lovely rustic setting. The heat was hard to manage but there was plenty of shade for all so it wasn't miserable. The hardest part was that a fabulous river runs right along side the site and E was all about throwing rocks in to the river...or "momma, rock, splash" repeated a million times in the whiniest voice you can imagine. But again my dad was at my rescue and took the boy to some frolicking river side. It was awesome. I mean don't get me wrong I spent a lot of time river side throwing rocks too, but to get a break and have someone else take the helm for a bit was heavenly. I got to talk to other adults and just breathe. The ceremony began a bit late, but what wedding ever starts on time? And I'm assuming they did that so that sun would be a little lower in the sky because it was a fairly long ceremony and right in the sun. After the ceremony E got to running around with one of his cousins and it was just wonderful to see them interacting and having a great time just being boys. The bride and groom had lots of bottles of bubbles for people to blow instead of throwing rice or whatever and the boys just couldn't get enough of the bubble blowing. Finally the sun set. I had a bite to eat and a very delicious cupcake then we made for the shuttle and the long journey home. Thankfully forethought told me to pack jam jams so before we hit the road E had a quick change of attire so I could slip him right in to bed upon arrival home. Score one for mom. All in all it was a great day. Yes the heat was unbearable, but there were so many great moments in the day I wouldn't have change it for the world. The very best part hands down was seeing my dad and E interact, I kick myself in the ass for not having brought my camera...stupid stupid stupid.

Sunday morning E and I woke a little later than normal which was excellent. We watched our normal morning movies and cuddled. My cousin Meghan had stayed the night so we tried to keep our volume down so she could sleep in. When she got up we all got changed and got in the pool at my complex. The water was cold but refreshing considering how hot it already was at 10:30am. This was E's first time in a pool and I was a bit worried that he would make a fuss and it would be a bust and yes at first it was a little bit difficult to convince him he was going to be just fine and mommy had him. But once he was in there and felt reassured it was AWESOME. He had a blast. Thankfully I had bought him a floatation vest because he wasn't having anything to do with arm floaty wings and my last minute (last week) purchase of a kickboard with "Nemo" on it was a real saving grace because it gave him a toy to play with. So the two of us cruised around the pool, we bounced, we spun in circles, we splashed (thank goodness for the ear band I bought for keeping water out of his ears), we laughed and had a lot of fun. He was great at kicking and moving his arms and eventually he would even let me hold him away from my body for long periods without even noticing. Then, then he decided he wanted to jump off the side of the pool in to the pool. I was like "what? really?" and yes really. He must have jumped in at least 7 times maybe as many as 10. I couldn't believe what a natural he was. I think I will buy him an innertube and see how he does with that....course that will require the wings, but maybe that'll be fun. Maybe we'll even try with nothing around him and see how he does. I was shocked at how great he was in the water so maybe he'll surprise me again. After the pool we got some lunch and then he took the longest nap in our history together. After nap we hung out with cousin Meghan some more and then it was time for dinner and bath. Bath time he got a special treat and took his kickboard in the tub with him...he thought that was pretty cool of mom. After bed was more cuddle time and then off to bed.

A great weekend.

Tried something new today....looks weird

So I've gained back 10 of the 16 lbs I'd lost and am back at 180 as of this morning. Not good.

Food so far today:

Special K protein bar
Salad (lettuce, kidney beans, broccoli, carrots, cauliflower)
Ranch dressing
Various vitamins and weightloss supplements

We're not ready to begin just yet but I'd like a little advice. Many months ago (E was about 16 months....now just over two) we introduced the potty chair. At first we had him sit on the chair fully dressed while we did our business and explained what we were doing and let him know that someday he would be doing the same. After awhile we would let him sit on the chair with a naked bottom in the hopes he would go, and he did. He had many early successes on the potty until the fateful day that he accidentally stood up before the log dropped in to the bowl and he flipped out. It took quite a while to get him to sit on the potty again, but even so he has never peep or pood again. He'll still sit, but has no desire to go while on the pot and can't wait to get off. He loves to flush after I go (not sure what daddy is doing now that we live apart) and after I dropped a firm load from his diaper in to the big toilet. It really seems to be about the potty chair. So I went out and bought a very expensive step with side rails so he can use the big toilet. It arrived yesterday and I still have to assemble it but I have high hopes. I have pull-ups at home but I'm not sure if I should both with them or buy cotton training pants. For those of you that have potty trained before did your kids take to the potty chair or the toilet better and did you use pull-ups or training pants?

It's been a while. Been mostly on Facebook. But it's about time for a real update. Lets see. Not this past weekend but the weekend before I took E to Fairytale Town with a friend from daycare and his mom. E had a major blast and has been asking daily too see the pictures from that day on my computer, not to mention wanting to return with that friend to have more fun. That night after we went to Fairytale Town E started to get ill. I kept him home on the following Monday and took him to the doc. It was just a viral URI. Tuesday daycare sent him home with a fever. Wednesday he made it through most of the day at daycare but got sent home just before the end of the day. Before being sent home they asked us to keep him home on Thursday so daddy and I split the day. Friday I kept him home with me cause I wanted him to rest up so he could make it to Easter. Saturday he was with daddy most of the day and I got to sleep in and hang out with my cousin Meghan. I got him Saturday night and he seemed better to me. Sunday we drove to my great-aunt and uncle's house near Gilroy for Easter. E did great. He played with his cousin, was social with the family and had a blast hunting for eggs. I dropped him off at daddy's at dinner time on Sunday and went home. About 11:30ish J called to say that he thought we needed to go to the ER. Ethan had thrown up and was running a high temp. I went and picked them up and we spent the next 5+ hours in the ER. Turns out E had pneumonia and his blood oxygen level was pretty low. Luckily not so low that it required him to have an overnight visit or have oxygen treatments. E and I got home to my place about 6am and went right to sleep. 8:30am rolled around and E woke up complaining his stomach hurt/needed to poop ("big poop"). He was grunting and I chalked that up to needing to poo. But he never pooped and after about 30 minutes I decided we needed to get up so I could better monitor him. We sat on the couch together and though his coloring looked good he continued to grunting and breathe rapidly. I called his pediatrician's office, gave them an update of the situation and asked if I should take him back to the ER or bring him in to their office. I told them I wasn't panicked or I'd called 911 but that I felt he needed to be seen and to have his oxygen level checked again. So I got us dressed and we ran off to the doc again. He got some really good coughs out in the car and his breathing had slowed back down to nearly normal and the grunting had also reduced. So by the time we hit the doctors office thankfully his oxygen level was well within normal and the "grunting" though a sign the lungs were having a more difficult time working for air was not so bad that he needed to be admitted to the hospital. So we headed back toward home, got some lunch, filled our prescriptions and took a well deserved nap. After nap E seemed improved...much less lethargic and clingy and had the same pep he usually has. He requested a bath last night and who could blame him after having puked on himself the night (and early morning hours) before. This morning we woke to a much more chipper mood and he was actually hungry....he hasn't ate much in more than a week. He's at daddy today because he certainly isn't well enough to go back to daycare just yet, but daddy is super sick and home anyway and I really needed to get back to work. But now I'm worried about him. Daddy is doing an excellent job I'm sure, but it's hard as a mommy to be away from your child when you know they are unwell. I feel I need to be with him and therefore I worry because I'm not.

I've been doing so much more updating in my facebook I'm almost completely ignoring my journal. So here are a few updates:

E and I had a great time the last few days. Friday, after daycare, we met up with a friend and his mommy for some play at the park. That was a blast. Saturday we flew a kite at the park and that was hilarious side splitting fun, truly one of the best times we've had together. Sunday I had a babyshower to attend so E hung out with J a good portion of the day. Monday J and I met with the principal regarding the situation with E not being emotionally ready to switch rooms at daycare. The meeting went great and we have a new more gradual plan in place that we all feel will help him to adjust a little better without holding him back from moving. E was suppose to go to J's that night but the poor man has got a terrible case of insomnia and with E having fitful sleep it's just a bad combo. So after some park time fun with both J and I E and I headed for home. Tuesday was a no school/work day because E had his 2-yr-old check up and I had a doctor appointment too, but E's involved shots and I always keep him home cause you just never know how they'll respond. E's appointment went well. He's 25 lbs 5oz, 32.1" tall, with a head circumference of 19". E was a champ as per usual. Thankfully J was able to take E home to my place while I went to my appointment and I met up with them when I was done. After J went off to work E and I kicked it for a little while then got some lunch and took a nap. Ah, there's nothing like a 3 hour nap right in the middle of the day. After nap E was doing great so we played for a little bit then took a ride up to the office to get some mail that had be misdelivered. Then I swept the patio and we drew with sidewalk chalks and blew/popped bubbles for a while. When it was time to make dinner I let E hang out on the patio while I cooked. I kept a good eye on him as the patio is in plain and total view if the kitchen. It was great you could tell E loved this new freedom and area to explore. That's about all I have to update. It's just me tonight. I plan on getting caught up on TV. Tomorrow I turn 35 at 6:46am. I can't hardly believe it. J is going to come over for b-day dinner. Should be a nice, low-key, b-day. Friday night I have dinner with my friend Melissa for my b-day. This coming weekend is technically J's weekend with E, but I have a family gathering on Saturday that I'd like to take E too, so he'll come along for that. Sunday is wide open.

So if you're on Facebook, and haven't already added me you should. You'll see many more up to the minute updates.

Four more days and I'll be 35. I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be (best laid plans and all) at this point in my life but I'm happy. Really really happy. I love my son more than anyone or anything in all the world and that is the greatest thing. No achievement can compare to having him. So I thumb my nose at all the other plans I had for my life.

E has been "practicing" for the last two weeks(spending a few hours each day in his current and new class rooms) to move up to the two-year-olds room. He is progressively getting worse and worse at cooping with the change. He is in love with his teacher Maribel and can not bear to be without her. He's been having minor behavioral problems that can be chalked up to normal toddler stuff like pinching, punching, kicking and crying/throwing tantrums. But he's also had some very restless sleep and nightmares not to mention crying out for her not only while he's at school but at home too. Last night took the cake though. Just about 11:30p I got a call from J sounding quite distraught and I could hear E SCREAMING in the background. Seems E woke about 11pm with a nightmare and J had been trying to calm him but E was just getting more and more hysterical. I immediately jumped in the car to go over there arriving on their doorstep not more than 7 minutes later. Poor E was just beside himself. I was able to calm him but J and I decided it was probably best if I took E home with me. Poor J. Poor E. I took him home and though he was calm it took until just after 1am for him to really settle down in to a deep sleep. Poor kid.

I asked for him not to be taken to the other room today, but he eventually needs to move there. Developmentally he is sooooo ready, emotionally he's not ready to be separated from "Bell". J and I are going to brainstorm this weekend and I'll arrange a sit down with the principal for Monday. We just gotta figure out how to make this a good transition for him.

I'm taking three days (today, Monday and Tuesday) bereavement leave because of my grandpa's passing. My sister will be coming in to town late tonight from Michigan and staying with me through early Wednesday morning. E is at daycare and with J for the weekend except when we go to the viewing and funeral I'll take him with me for that. So what am I doing with my time....sitting on my sofa, watching tv and eating chocolate chip cookies. I need to get out of the house. But where and to do what? I might take myself to a movie and lunch. Maybe the mall. Maybe I'll get a haircut and get my brows waxed. So many options other than sitting on the couch getting fatter. Okay....off to shower.

At the end of Jan/beginning of Feb I traded in the Acura for a Matrix. Today I'm finally getting the plates put on and the check for the difference between what I paid and what I owed. I'm so excited. I wonder what my plates will be? I've been thinking for a long time of getting personal plates, this would be the perfect car for it, but I don't think I will.

It's smells just like cotton candy from the fair/carnival/circus in the ladies room here at work...which is a million times better than it normally smells, but I'm left wondering "do they make cotton candy scented perfume or is that some kind of air freshener? If it's perfume, what man is gets in the mood/is attracted from/to the smell of a fair/carnival/circus? If it's air freshener, were do I get some?"

My federal tax refund arrived and I was able to pay bills....woot!

Seriously? really? Jesus! I'm totally fed up. Long walk, short pier, do it.

What is it about toddlers that they go, go, go, a million miles an hour or so it would seem....constantly moving unless you're running late for something (say getting them to daycare and yourself off to work) then suddenly that's the time they just want to sit put. Grr. It's been one of those mornings and seems the day is shaping up to be that kind of day.

*deep cleansing breath*

The worst part, to me, about being an atheist is not having any comforting words for the bereaved when someone passes away. My grandfather is about to pass. Aside from being informed of what's happening and making sure the info gets passed from one family member to the next I really have nothing comforting to say. This really kills me, because it's not like I'm not feeling sad. I'm sad, not just for me, or him, but for everyone that is losing him...he's a husband, father, grandfather, and great-grandfather. I'm not a cold person. I just don't believe in an afterlife. So I don't say the traditional...he's going to be with God, God is calling him home, he's in a better place, or he's going to be with other lost relatives. He's led a full life, it's his time, he's ready to go just don't bring the same kind of comfort.

Brown bag lunches make me feel poor. I need to suck it up and get use to it. I'm as poor (maybe more) as I feel.

I am happy though, and that's priceless.

I'm trying to get the apartment ready for visitors tomorrow. I didn't think I had as much to do as I did. I've got E's room and bathroom done. The living room is done too as is the entry way. The dining room and kitchen are the biggest pain in the ass and then the only thing left is my room and bathroom. Can't vacuum anymore tonight (rude) so I'll have to save that for the morning. But the rest should get done tonight hopefully in the next hour and a half. Geez I hope it doesn't take that long. I'm pooped.

I love my boy so much, and now that J and I are living in separate homes and I get a break every other day/night 1) I miss him SOOOOOOO much when I don't have him 2) my stress levels are so much lower and we get along so much better. Before I never felt I got a break, I mean J handled plenty when we were together but even if he was handling it I was still there and effected by it. Plus there was plenty that J did to work E up and that would drive me even more bonkers. But now, that it's just the two of us on my days/nights/weekends it's amazing how relaxed we are. There's no yelling or fighting, sure we have our moments of stubbornness, but they don't get all blown out. I'm sure things are similar at J's house and this phenomena isn't just happening for me. E is happier. I'm millions of times happier (though lonely when he's not around). It really is a great custody arrangement we have and seems to be working for everyone. I feel so much less tense. The pressure to be everything to everyone is gone. I thought I enjoyed being a mom before, I'm enjoying it soooooo much more now. I just wish we could have found a way to do it while remaining a family unit. But we spend plenty of time together and do things as a family so I think E gets the best of both worlds. At least until J or I start dating/get serious about other people....then things might change. Only time will tell.

The full weight of it. Wasn't good, but I think I talked myself through it and can begin to move forward again. Baby steps. It'll never be easy but it will get easier. There will be set backs, slips, and more nights like last night, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

*cleansing cry*